How to Lift Like a Pro

I read a few posts, and immediately came to the realization that no one here knows how to lift. Thank god I'm here to set everybody straight and prevent you all from continuously embarrassing yourselves over and over again.

Pre-workout fuel: Alcohol. Everyone knows that the better a fuel is, the more flammable it is. If you want ripped abs and steel cable for biceps, you need more fuel. I prefer Jack Daniel's, as it emits a manly aroma while still retaining its inflammability. It should be obvious by now, but water is highly non-flammable, and should be avoided.

Attire: Tight sleeveless T's. There's no point in going to the gym if you're not going to let everyone know how ripped and jacked you are, while simultaneously letting them know how pathetic and subhuman they look. The question I get the most is "how tight should my sleeveless T be?" Stupid question, easy answer. Go to your designer work-out clothing provider of choice. Find a sleeveless T (it will be the one without sleeves). Now find the smallest size they have and buy it. Small works, as does Extra Small. This attire only increases in values as you increase in bulk, as your rippling pecs should shred your shirt into tiny pieces of cloth. Everyone will think you're Hulking out, and it turns out that bitches love the Hulk.

Workout: Time to get your swell on. Here's a sample of my routine:

Warm-up:

Running: 1-lap. The key is to never break a sweat. Sweating is for serfs and peons, not people of importance.

Main Course:

Elliptical: 15 min. Don't actually get on the elliptical, that's for pussies. Your goal is to find the best, most spandex'd asses and stare at them. Take a break every 5, don't want to over exert.

Protip: most gyms have multiple groups of ellipticals, so if the first group looks likeCampbell's Chunky Soup sloshing around in a plastic bag, move on to the next elliptical group

Rest: 15 min

Flexing: Set 4, reps 15. Find the biggest, most centrally located mirror in the gym and flex. Don't forget to changes poses, and scream at every flex-apex. If everyone is staring at you, then you're doing it right.

Rest: 15 min

Bench Press: Sets 1, reps 1. Put the heaviest weights you can find on the bar, then try to kinda move it around. Make sure you clank the weights so everyone knows how heavy it is, and scream.

Leave.

For after-workout nutrition, I suggest pop-tarts (frosted, any flavor). Of course, pop-tarts alone won't put meat on your pecs, so I suggest mixing in some fruit-snacks. They have all the colors of regular fruits, with a much mannlier dose of essential sugars and food-dyes.

Congrats, you're done for the month, get ready to be God of your disgusting friends and the object of eternal envy.

-PhD in being Jacked